Baring Souls (365 Day 22)

It was a happy day today. It was also a very long day today.

I had a rehearsal for Saturday's dinner theatre performance. It went rather well. It was productive.

After that I had a shoot with the lovely Mizz Amanda Marie. I shot her back in December, when she was a blonde. She is now a redhead, which I am very happy about.

There was little light left by the time I got to shoot with her. I had brought my tripod with me, so we still managed to work it. On a whim of inspiration, I decided to add her to my self portrait for the day. 2 redheads are better than one, right?

This is actually not the first time that we have modeled together. A photographer friend of mine accidentally double booked us for the same day once. We just ended up modeling together. Not only was it her first nude shoot, but her first shoot ever. She was great then, but she has grown so much as a model since then. It has been an honor to watch her grow as a model and be a part of it.

This image means a lot to me. We models open ourselves up to the world. We don't just show our bodies. We put a piece of ourselves in the images, some of us more than others. We bare our skin and the self beneath it. We hope that people will see it for more than just what is on the surface. Sometimes there is a part of us that not even our friends and family know. We show it in the hopes that it will touch someone and not just make them touch themselves. lol

This is also very important as a photographer. We have to be able to find that part of the person inside. To bring it out so that the viewer can try to understand. And of course there is also a piece of us in there. The part of us that sees the world on a deeper level. The part that analyzes. The part that dreams.

This is why these self portraits mean so much to me. There is so much of me in them. I'm making a map of me. Now Mizz Amanda Marie is a part of that map.

April 29th

Blinding Beauty (365 Day 21)

I had a pretty nice day today. My friend Jose and I went to check out an abandoned house that I had found. I didn't want to go in alone, in case it was inhabited by unfriendly vagrants. I felt pretty safe with Jose there. Most people would think twice before starting something with him.

The house was pretty rad. The downstairs had a bunch of open windows with vines growing over the outside. I sooo need to put a naked lady there. The upstairs was just crazy trashed and kinda creepy.

We then went to check out another abandoned building, across the Michigan border. That was freaking awesome. It had a great ambiance. Beautiful broken windows. Perfectly crackling paint. And it was filled with an assortment of oddities. There was even an old box of 8 tracks upstairs. Rad! I am really jazzed about the idea of shooting there. I was pretty upset with myself for not bringing my tripod. I totally could have done a self portrait there. Ah well. Next time.

I took this image a little while before sunset. Inspiration usually comes to me at the last minute, when I most need it.

Sometimes the world is too bright. I mean this for multiple reasons. Quite litterally it is too bright because I am very light sensitive. But it is also just too overwhelming sometimes. There is so much beauty in the world, that it is sometimes hard to look at. There are so many colors and textures. So much to take in. I often wonder how people pass it all by and aren't struck by the power of it. There are many ugly things in this world as well, but even many of those have their own special kind of awful beauty. I am glad that I see all these things, but sometimes I must cover my eyes, lest I be overcome.

Sorry about the late upload. I fell asleep super early.

April 28th

Invisible Wishes (365 Day 20)

Today was another difficult day. Again I didn't get enough sleep and woke up in pain. Today it was really bad. I spent the first couple of hours wailing and crying. I was kinda thankful that I was alone. I know that seeing me in that much agony is painful to my friends.

Once the pain was of a managable level, I got some editing done. That usually cheers me up, especially if I really like the images.

Before I lost the sun, I mustered up the initiative to take my picture for the day. I love my camouflage jacket. Correction, I love all of my camouflage jackets. I have 4 of them. I have always loved camouflage. I think it's because I've always wanted the power of invisibility.

My whole life I've been torn between wanting to be the center of attention and wanting to disappear. I love attention, but I fear being judged. I'm very outgoing, but also kinda intraverted due to my nerve issues. It's quite an internal struggle. I am hoping that this self portrait project will help with that.

April 27th

Queen of My Jungle (365 Day 19)

Today started out rough. I woke up at 6am in pain. I puttered about the internet until about 10:30. Then I took a nice nap.

When I woke up I called my friend Erin Marie. She came over and we had a really fun shoot in the backyard. She is such a doll. I hearts her. We giggled so much during out shoot. In between sets we laid on the ground and watched the clouds. Such a lovely time.

I spent the evening hanging out with friends. Also a nice time. After the awful false start, I had a really nice day.

I love this image. Doing these self portraits has given me much more of an appreciation for my little backyard. I love the fence in the back. I love the color of the wood. I love that the fence is a little crooked. I love the vines that grow on it. I love that every day the vines have grown more leaves. I really love that my dad has not yet been able to get my brother to do any yard work. The overgrown grass makes me really happy. I will be very sad when it gets mowed. I love my little jungle of grass, dandelions, and other weeds. It's really cool to watch mother nature take over.

As I'm sure you could guess by the image, I also love these shoes. My dad bought them for me the day that I was pmsing really bad. I had called him to apologize for blowing up at him. I told him how batty I was due to the crazy female hormones. He asked if I should take some tylenol. "No, Dad. I'm not in pain. I'm pmsing" He asked if there was anything I could take for it. "No, Dad. Most girls eat chocolate and I hate chocolate. There is nothing I can take." "Would purple sneakers help?" *blink* "Aww. Yeah. That might help." (Apparently he was at wallmart at the time and passed some purple shoes.) I am obsessed with purple and I really did need new sneakers. I love my dad. He's the best.

April 26th

It Can't Rain All The Time (365 Day 18)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1jCwyDgxw

It was a chilly, rainy day today. I love rain, but I would really prefer that it be a bit warmer. I awoke with pretty bad cramps today. (Thanks a lot, female organs.) I spent the first part of the day whimpering from pain and editing images of Beebs. Then my brother Adam and I headed off to help Matt move. I couldn't be much help, because of the pain, but dad's vehicle is the only one with enough space.

I watched the rain as I sat waiting in the car. I had quite a fondness for the way the raindrops looked on the window. Instant creativity. Just add water. LOL I am very pleased with how it turned out. My lips are possibly my favorite feature and I love water. For me it is a winning combo. I hope ya'll like it too. :)

April 25th

Female Woes (365 Day 17)

Oh how I hate being a girl sometimes. I have PMS way worse than usual. It's like someone snuck up and injected me with crazy. I spent the first part of the day bawling my eyes out and feeling like breaking things. So I used that. I just grabbed up my camera and took shots of me crying my eyes out. It helped a little bit.

I managed to cheer up quite a bit this afternoon though. I had another shoot with my friend Beebs. She got a new wig and I just had to shoot her in it.

We went down to this weird broken up stone wall with bricks and plants coming out of it. It is a really cool spot that I have been meaning to use for a while now. It's like it's own little world over there. I just wish it wasn't right across from a bunch of houses. I'd really like to shoot nudes there.

While we were shooting, we drew some attention. Cars slowed down to gawk. A couple guys across the street went out on their porch to watch. They even went and got a pair of binoculars. LOL They chatted in awe amungst themselves while we shot. It didn't bother us at all. They didn't make any cat calls and they didn't come closer. That works with me.

Other than the crazy raging female hormones, it was a nice day.

April 24th

Fresh Start (365 Day 16)

There is nothing like the feeling of having freshly dyed hair. I have been dying my hair since I was 11 years old. I absolutely LOVE the smell of hair dye. It makes me happy and feel beautiful. *smells hair* Oooh yeah. That's the good stuff. LOL

I spent most of the day working in the photoshop mines. I have been slacking a bit on models' images since I started doing my 365 project. I'm pretty happy with the images that I finished today.

I decided to redye my hair today, so I figured I might as well use that for my 365. I slathered my hair in dye, grabbed the tripod and camera, and headed outside. Unfortunately the nighbors kids were out and had friends over. *grumble* They couldn't actually see me where I was posing, but they could see me walking back and forth to the tripod wearing my towell. When I walked outside, one of the kids said "Oh my god. She's wearing a towell." I proceeded to loudly say "Oh my god. Oh my god. A towell!" lol *shakes head* One of the little girls was really sweet though. She waved and said hi. She was adorable.

Now I believe I will watch some hulu and then get some more editing done. :)

April 23rd

Floral Magesty (365 Day 15)

Happy Earth Day, everyone. I had a pretty nice day today. I spent most of the day chilling around the house. I had the house to myself for a good part of it. I love having the house to myself. I whistled and sang to my heart's content. Singing almost always makes me really happy.

I wanted to showcase one of our lovely tulips today. They make me smile every time I go out into the yard and see them. Since it's Earth Day, I didn't even pick it. I just gently held it in my hand.

I do wish it had been as warm outside as it was beautiful. Oh well. I hope everyone else had a nice day today. :)

April 22nd

They Can't Hear You Scream (365 Day 14)

If you don't make noise.

I wish I was better at expressing myself in the written word. The only way I can get it out is through photography. Even that can be difficult and frustrating sometimes.

I need to get the fuck out of dodge. I wish I had money to travel to friends. I need to clear my head. I feel trapped.

I finally got around to taking my image for the day a little before 11pm. I used the little light bulb and soft box set up on my bed again. It does not put out great light and is a pain in my ass. The difference this time is that I used my cheap cell phone for this shot. I dig how it turned out though.

April 21st

Web of Sleep (365 Day 13)

I took this image first thing this morning. I set up my tripod before I went to sleep last night. As soon as I woke up, I pulled the cord on the blinds, then started taking pics of myself. I wasn't even fully awake. I got the shot I wanted quickly and then went about my day. It was nice to get my self portrait taken so early. I didn't have to spend any of the day worrying about what I was going to do for it. :)

It was a pretty chill day today. :)

April 20th

Drowning (365 Day 12)

I am not having a good day. I think it must be pms. I'm super sensitive and depressed. I really really did not feel like photographing myself today. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I wish Tia was here right now. I need cuddles and hugs.

Doing a self portrait every day is not easy. Today I feel like I'm drowing in it.

April 19th

Precious (365 Day 11)

I woke up feeling like hell again today. I ran myself ragged yesterday and paid for it today. I woke up with dizziness, coughing, a headache, and a phone that wouldn't stop ringing.

I had promised my friend Matt that I would help him move today. So even though I didn't pick up the phone, he came over anyway. He woke me back up and bribed me to go with him. I just hung around and made sure he kept on track.

Since I felt like crap, the daylight got frittered away. I had to attempt to make something work using a small lightbulb stuck inside of a small soft box. Since it doesn't put out a lot of light, I opted to use my 50mm film lens. I have an attachment that allows me to use it on my dslr. The harship with this lens is that it is manual focus. Not the easiest thing to use for self portraits! Thankfully I managed to get an image that I dig. Yippy skippy.

April 18th

Hamadryad (365 Day 10)

I'm posting day 10 pretty late. Sorry about that. It was a busy, kinda stressful day.

I had a gig videotaping a dinner theatre show today. I'm normally an actress, but they sometimes put me behind the video camera for shows that I'm not in.

The time that we were leaving got bumped on me, and I didn't have time to take a picture before we left. So I brought my camera and tripod and hoped that I could find somewhere to take a picture. I really lucked out. Behind the venue there were some woods. I snuck down there and quickly took a few shots. I'm not 100% happy with the image, but I think I get bonus points for location and sneakiness. :)

I didn't get back from the gig until after 1 in the morning. Then I was distracted by Matt coming over. He's in the middle of moving and felt the need to procrastinate. lol So that forced me to procrastinate. Now I can finally get some sleep. Yipee!

Hamadryads are Greek mythological beings that live in trees. They are a specific species of dryad, which are a particular type of nymph. Hamadryads are born bonded to a specific tree. Some believe that hamadryads are the actual tree, while normal dryads are simply the entity, or spirit, of the tree. If the tree died, the hamadryad associated with it died as well. For that reason, dryads and the gods punished any mortals who harmed trees.

April 17th

The Sickness (365 Day 9)

As I'm sure you can tell from the image, today is not so great. I woke up quite ill this morning. I crawled out of bed and went downstairs. I then collapsed on the floor in tears because the bathroom was occupied. Once I got in there, I spent about 3 hours in the bath tub. I had nothing to do but puke, cry, and call a bunch of my friends.

I sent my dad out for medicine and ginger ale. (Dad is the best) And once I felt well enough to eat, my brother brought me some toast. It was soooo good. Toast is heaven when you can finally get it down.

I still managed to get around to taking my self portrait, even though I really was not feeling up to it. (Take that, stupid sickness!)

I'm still feeling sick and miserable, but I am determined to kick this quickly. I really really hope that I am mostly well tomorrow. I actually have work tomorrow. Wish me luck. *crosses fingers*

April 16th

The Loneliness (365 Day 8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6rJn_TEu5Y

I'm never so lost, I can't find my way

Been searching, but I have never seen

A turning, a turning from deceit

'Cause the child rose as life

Tried to reveal what I could feel

I can't understand myself anymore

'Cause I'm still feeling lonely

Feelin' so unholy

'Cause the child rose as life

Tried to reveal what I could feel

And this loneliness

It just won't leave me alone, ohh no

I'm fooling somebody

A faithless path I roam

Deceiving, to breathe this secretly

A silence, this silence I can't bear

'Cause the child rose as life

Tries to reveal what I could feel

And this loneliness

It just won't leave me alone, ohh no

And this loneliness,

It just won't leave me alone

A lady of one ...

It was a beautiful day. I spent it by myself. *sigh* I really really wanted to hang out and shoot today. Sadly it seems like everyone was either busy, sick, or too far away. I normally don't mind spending so much time alone, but it's starting to get to me. I am feeling more and more social, and therefore more and more lonely. I wish so many of my friends didn't live so far away. I wish so many things.

I'm going to go attempt to shake off this mood. Hopefully tomorrow will be a happier day.

April 15th

The Lady of Shallot (365 Day 7)

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,

Little breezes dusk and shiver

Thro' the wave that runs forever

By the island in the river

Flowing down to Camelot.

Four grey walls, and four grey towers,

Overlook a space of flowers,

And the silent isle imbowers

The Lady of Shalott.

Piling sheaves in uplands airy,

Listening, whispers "'Tis the fairy

Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day

A magic web with colours gay.

She has heard a whisper say

A curse is on her if she stay

To look down on Camelot.

She knows not what the curse may be,

And so she weaveth steadily,

And little other care hath she,

The Lady of Shalott.

I have always loved this poem. I was first introduced to it while watching Anne of Green Gables as a child. As I went to take self portraits in the bath tub, this ran through my mind. It is quite dear to my heart. It has such beautiful imagery. I hope that my images convey that even a little bit. Either way they made me feel really good to take them.

April 14th

Banshee (365 Day 6)

Today I was in an odd mood. As I was hanging out with my brother and my friend Matt, I got the sudden urge to watch an old Godzilla movie. Sadly they didn't have Godzilla Vs Mothra. We ended up with Terror of Mechagodzilla. It was pretty freaking awesome though. I love cheesy special effects. So epic.

After the movie I was feeling quite sleepy. I decided not to fight it and just have a nice nap. When I woke up most of the light was gone, but there was just enough to get my self portrait done with natural light.

I wanted to do something different for today's self portrait. Since I didn't have a model of tokyo to destroy (sigh), I tried to figure out another way to show my inner monster. I went with the Banshee. The Banshee is a female spirit in Irish mythology, usually seen as an omen of death and a messenger from the Otherworld. I am just Irish enough that there is a part of me that slightly believes in Banshees. I had a few nightmares about it as a child.

I love how this image turned out. It gives me chills. :)

Listen to this when you look at it and you will get an idea of how it makes me feel. www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfBVYhyXU8o

April 13th

Sweet Melody (365 Day 5)

Today was a pretty decent day. I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. Thankfully it was someone that I wanted to talk to. My old friend Derek called to chat and catch me up on his life a bit. It was a really great way to start the day. I've known Derek since I was 14 years old. I'd fallen out of contact for a while, mostly due to my panic and nerve issues. I found it difficult to connect with people. It's so nice to be back in contact with my old friends.

After I had puttered about the internet for a while, I decided to get a start on my self portrait for the day. Since I was feeling so nostalgic, I decided to bust out my old mandolin. I have had it since I was 13 years old. It is one of my most prized possesions. I wasn't able to stick with learning it, but I can still play a couple of songs. I went out back and set up the tripod and played and smiled. Playing the mandolin outdoors in the nude was a lot of fun.

I spent the evening hanging out with my friend Matt. He has been sick and stuck at home for the past couple of days. I felt bad for him so I drove over there with some ginger ale. We sat around and watched cartoons and house. Now I believe I will head back to the photoshop mines to edit some more pictures of Beebs.

April 12th

Past Tense (365 Day 4)

I woke up with a hang over today. It wasn't a really bad one. It's one of those hang overs that is just enough to remind you of what a great time you had the night before. I sat bleary eyed at the computer and attempted to shake it off.

This afternoon my friend Beebs came over. It was her 21st birthday today. One of the things that she wanted to do for her birthday was play dress up and model for me. :) Of course I had to oblige her. Still hung over, I proceeded to take pretty pictures of her in my backyard. I shot until I got a bit dizzy and had to call it quits. I think we got some nice images. (which I will be editing and posting later)

After she left I went back outside with my camera and tripod to get my own picture done for the day. My mind has been spinning back to the past lately. I have spent a lot of time thinking about old memories. I normally try not to dwell on the past because many of the memories are painful. Right now though I keep thinking about beautiful memories that I had mostly forgotten. Brief moments of love and happiness that were lost in time. It's nice, but it makes me sigh. You can never go back, but you always carry your past with you.

April 11th

Thinly Veiled (365 Day 3)

Today was a wonderful day. I woke up and edited some images of my lovely muse Erin. That girl is so amazing. Every time I work with her I get fantastic images.

In the afternoon I hung out with an old friend. We went to the park and had a lovely stroll. The weather was just about perfect. It was around 68 degrees with a light breeze. Parts of the park were flooded, which made me smile. I love the reflections of the plants poking above the flood water.

After my friend dropped me off at home, I went up to my bedroom to get my self portrait done. On the way into my room I noticed my tulle material. I love the feel and look of it so I thought that would be a nice thing to use on such a happy day.

I didn't have time to edit the image right away though. My mom was having a reunion party for the dinner theatre where she worked when I was a child. It was a freaking awesome time. I drank some starstrucks. It's a fruity froo froo drink that really packs a punch. I love them. I proceeded to drink and chat with people. I have decided to have less of a filter and just be myself lately. It seems to be working in my favor. I was a hit at the party.

Towards the end of the night I climbed up on top of the water slide in my mom's back yard. I then attempted to drunk dial a bunch of my friends. Unfortunately no one picked up their phones, but I'm sure they will enjoy the voice mail messages. I did manage to call my mom's cell phone and get a drink delivered to the slide. That was rad!

All in all it was a really great day.

April 10th

Wash It All Away (365 Day 2)

Today was a day of ups and downs. I woke up in a decent mood. I weighed myself today and found out that I'd lost 5 pounds. Of course that made me pretty happy. I've been trying to be more active lately.

A little while later I started to feel pretty mopey. I was just upset and angry and I couldn't figure out why. (Though from the fact that my insides are now cramping up, I'm pretty sure why I was feeling pissy. lol) So I decided that taking some pictures in the shower might help to make me feel better. I was right. It definitely cheered me up.

After I got out of the shower my friend Matt came over. We went to visit his sister in law for a bit. When we were driving back I got the random urge to play on a swing set. So being the awesome friend that he is, he drove us to a little playground. I almost forgot how fun it is to swing. We had a jolly good time swinging and whistling.

I couldn't get on to post this image before midnight, because the computer was occupied. I did take the image and edit it on the correct day though. Good enough. :P

April 9th

Escaping The Cage (365 Day 1)

I decided to start a 365 project. My best friend Tia has been doing one and it seems to be a positive thing for her. It always amazes me how she opens up to strangers on the internet. I have trouble just expressing myself to my friends. It's really hard to open up to people. I am always hiding away from the world. I have really bad panic and fear. it keeps me from doing so many things. I am so tired of being locked in a cage of my own making. I'm hoping that this project will help me work through some of my issues and move on.

April 8th